How being dialectical can help your relationship

How being dialectical can help your relationship

written by Kristen McCormick, LPC

Relationships can be tough. Whether they are romantic or platonic in nature, the potential for conflict is inevitable. In fact, if you are not experiencing any conflict in your relationship, you may have a bigger problem to face (lack of intimacy, lack of attachment). Conflict is a natural and “normal” part of relationships. However, conflicts can become toxic or unhealthy when you begin to feel gridlocked or feel that you are perpetually in conflict. Unhealthy conflict can lead to all of the Gottmans’ four horsemen including defensiveness, stonewalling, criticism, and (perhaps the most dangerous of them all) contempt. As some of my clients have mentioned to me, it often feels as if we are just volleying the blame back and forth to each other without any resolution. This pattern can lead to feelings of hopelessness, resentment towards your partner, and avoidance, which in turn can spiral into decreased intimacy and sexual interaction. So, what to do?

As a therapist, I love to blend different styles and philosophies of counseling. As I mentioned above, I definitely incorporate aspects of the famous Gottman approach into my practice and my personal life. Specifically, I appreciate their distinction between solvable and perpetual conflicts.

Essentially, solvable conflicts are what they seem. Conflicts that can be resolved in a collaborative manner.

Example: My husband and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. I acknowledge that I am running late, apologize, and decide to do my make-up in the car so we can get to the event relatively on time. Husband feels validated, no one escalates, and we get to the event relatively on time. Problem resolved.

Now, the trickier part: the perpetual conflict. Perpetual conflicts exist in all of our relationships. There are some conflicts that will rarely be completely resolved due to our diverse family histories, our previous relationship experiences, and our unique personality traits and dispositions. Let me provide a personal example. My husband is a punctual person by nature. I am not. I am consistently late in my personal life. My friends actually adjust their expectations based on this aspect of my personality. It drives my husband nuts. So, let’s take that first example of a solvable conflict and add a layer of the perpetual conflict.

My partner and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. Instead of apologizing and acknowledging my tardiness, I become defensive and argue that he is too controlling about being on time. He counters with a statement that I am “always late” and it looks bad on him when we show up tardy together. He makes further statements that he is just going to meet me at the events from now on, which increases my anger and hostility towards him. We continue bickering in the car, leading to stonewalling by my husband who says he can “never win” an argument even when it is my fault. We keep our distance at the party and generally have a miserable time.

Sound familiar? Yep, we all have these moments. You can typically spot that a solvable conflict has become a perpetual conflict when you begin to use words and phrases such as “you should..,” “you always,” or “you never.” The ghosts of relationships past, previous arguments, or even our family baggage can enter into the equation. You are no longer in the present. You are involving the past AND the future in the conflict at that moment. At this time, you have backed yourself into a corner and it will inevitably become that volleyball match of who is to blame.

Here’s where I blend counseling styles and philosophies. In my full-time job, I use Dialectical Behavior Therapy exclusively as part of a therapeutic research study for folks who struggle with depression, suicidal thoughts, and self-harming behaviors. For those who do not know or have not heard of DBT, it was created by Marsha Linehan and incorporates a blend of behavioral techniques/skills with an Eastern philosophy. Marsha incorporates mindfulness and concepts such as dialectics into her therapeutic practice to promote living in the present and decrease rigid or “black or white” thinking. Mindfulness and dialectics are incredibly useful in supporting healthy relationships.

So, how is mindfulness helpful in relationships and specifically in conflicts? Mindfulness is ALL about being in the present moment, observing internally and externally with our five senses. Mindfulness enables us to focus only on what is happening in the moment, which can counter the emergence of the ghosts of past relationships mentioned earlier. It takes a tremendous amount of practice to be mindful, especially when in conflict. Often times, it may require deescalation first (i.e. breathing, taking a break, distraction) before you are able to practice mindfulness during a conflict. If we are distressed, it can be harder to stay in the present or we can become hyper-focused (i.e. tunnel vision). Mindfulness is a skill that can be practiced on a daily basis. I liken it to building a muscle group in your body. If you practice mindfulness several minutes a day in calm moments, you can build your mindfulness muscles and really flex them when you are in conflict.

Dialectics is perhaps the most useful skill I have encountered when it comes to working with couples and in my own relationship. You can google “dialectics” and read through about a thousand cognitive descriptions of the word and philosophy including references to Socrates, etc. For our purposes, I will break it down as Marsha does in DBT. Dialectics is finding the synthesis between two seemingly opposite truths, finding the “kernel of truth” in what the other person is saying or feeling. Dialectics does not mean compromise (although it can often lead to it) or giving in to your partner’s perspective. It just means acknowledging or validating some aspect of your partner’s opinion or feelings as a truth. Take my previous example again. In order to avoid getting gridlocked, we could use dialectical thinking in that process and possibly seek synthesis. Let’s see how it might go.

My husband and I are supposed to be at an event at 5pm. I am running late and my husband is upset. Instead of apologizing and acknowledging my tardiness, I become defensive and argue that he is too controlling about being on time. He counters with a statement that I am “always late” and it looks bad on him when we show up tardy together. [We have now entered the perpetual conflict zone]. Instead of digging our heels in and starting that volleyball match, we use dialectics to seek synthesis. I take a breath and validate his frustration around being late to important events. He acknowledges his harsh tone and states that he does not want to start our event in conflict. If we continue with this dialectical thinking and validation, we most likely will move through the conflict and be able to enjoy the party together.

Did it resolve the fact that I am “always” late and he is rigid about being on time. Nope. Will we have future conflicts about this exact dilemma? Absolutely. The point is that each time we are moving towards acceptance, which can in turn lead to change. Over time, I may begin to change my behaviors to attempt to be more on time for important events. He may begin to loosen up his expectations about being on time for certain events. Ideally, this dialectic of acceptance and change will lead to a healthier dynamic between us and lesser feelings of being stuck.

My in-laws actually have a similar dilemma. I know...we all end up with versions or counter-versions of our parents, right? In their relationship, they have reached acceptance around this difference and will actually plan to meet at events if it feels important for the punctual partner to be there exactly on time. They make this arrangement without resentment or conflict, simply with the acceptance of their differences.

I want to end this blog with the statement that no one skill or concept will fix your relationship. It is a combination of understanding, practicing of skills, support, validation, and simply time that will lead to a healthier and more satisfying relationship. However, I do believe that adding dialectics and mindfulness can increase the overall health in our relationships AND I tend to practice what I preach.

Questions or comments? Email me at kmctherapypdx@gmail.com.

My blog posts are not meant to be a replacement to therapy. If you are in crisis or need support, please contact your local county’s mental health crisis line or dial 9-1-1. To make a referral for counseling with me, click the button below.

Further reading and resources used in this article:

1. The Gottman Method: https://www.gottman.com/

2. Dialectical Behavior Therapy: https://behavioraltech.org/

Beat the Portland SADs: A Survival Guide for the Portland Winter

“You’re probably asking yourself, “what qualifies her to tell me how to survive Portland’s dreary months?” Well, nothing really. I am just another person, not originally from Portland, who found it necessary to create a strategy for preventing the Portland SADs. If this is helpful, great. If not, please feel free to find your own way. I will be cold either way.

Okay, you decided to keep reading. Good. Let’s do this.

So, I am originally from southern California. Pause for effect, sigh, groan, whatever. Yes, I am from California. So sorry. I know that my presence immediately bugs you if you are originally from the Northwest. To be fair, I have lived in Oregon for almost 13 years now. Before that, I lived in northern California for 7 years. Put together, that is just a bit over half of my life that I have not lived in southern California. Just saying…

Regardless, I am from southern California. I can’t deny it. And even though I lived in sunny So Cal (yes...we called it that) for less than half of my life, I believe that I developed a thin skin for cold weather and an inherent need for sunshine. It’s in my blood. I remember when the thought of moving to Portland occurred to me, my partner at the time said to me, “it’s only sunny like 70 days out of the year.” We were living in Ashland, Oregon at the time, but were visiting Portland for a wedding. You may know Ashland for events such as the Shakespeare festival or that it has an impressive 198+ days of sunshine each year. In case you were wondering, the national average is 205 sunny days per year. In any case, we were on a hike in the Columbia Gorge. I responded, “what do you mean?” I looked around at the beautiful, clear sky above the Columbia River. “It’s sunny and blue skies today.” He looked at me with pity and replied, “but look! Even when it’s sunny, there is a twinge of gray in the sky. It’s never fully sunny here. Even the sunny days are darkened by the gray.” I thought he was just being spiteful or trying to convince me not to move here. Years later, after surviving at least six Portland winters, I would travel to southern California during the summertime. Your knowledge of the season is important for comparison purposes. Typically, I visit my So Cal family during the holidays, in the midst of the Portland winter months. That particular year, I ventured down there in July...during one of the sunniest months in Portland. I departed from PDX airport with the glare of northwest sunshine fresh in my recent memory. As I stepped off the plane in Long Beach, I was shocked by the power of the sun. It felt 10 times brighter than the sunshine I had left in Portland. In that moment, I remembered what my previous partner had said to me and immediately conceded defeat to him.

Okay, so even our sunny days are slightly darker than in other places. How is one supposed to survive this slightly gray city? Here are some tips that I have discovered along the way. Hopefully, they will help you as much as they’ve helped me.

Survival Tip #1: Be outdoorsy.

When the sun appears, get your ass outside. This is actually a Portlander secret that was taught to me during my first few months in Portland. In southern California, people don’t appreciate the sunshine. They have so much of it; they just don’t even realize how rich they are in weather terms. They spend their sunny days inside of air-conditioned spaces. It’s the Californian way. But in Portland, we understand the brevity of those sunny moments. When I first moved here in early February, I remember feeling baffled by Portlanders hanging out in t-shirts and sunglasses on slightly sunny bar patios in the 35 degree weather. Though it was freezing outside, they were there. Basking in the sun with pale skin exposed, they enjoyed those precious rays of sunshine. Flash forward to present time, I now completely understand. “It’s supposed to be sunny this weekend,” I say to my husband when I notice that it will be partly cloudy and 34 degrees on Saturday. “Let’s go for a hike; it’s going to be beautiful.” And it is beautiful. Because it’s not raining and it’s not totally gray. So, get your ass outside.

Survival Tip #2: Play Opposite Day!

Remember that game when you were younger? You ran up to your best friend and said, “I hate you. Just kidding, it’s Opposite Day.” While it was not the most clever game as an adolescent, it is a super helpful method for reducing distress as an adult. This is a tool that I have borrowed/stolen (oops) from Marsha Linehan, queen of DBT. It’s pretty simple. Do the opposite of what you feel. If you feel sad and low, force yourself to do something energetic and upbeat. Throw on Queen (the musical artist, not Marsha) and go on a short run. We often like to indulge our emotions such as watch a sad movie when we are feeling depressed or listen to Alanis Morrisette when we are angry (apologies for this old reference, I grew up in the 90’s). When I am feeling especially low, I will throw on an episode of Frasier or Friends. The inane comedy of these two shows is just enough to tip the sad scales for me. If I am feeling really depressed, I will throw on an episode of stand-up comedy or read my husband’s book of Irish witticisms. Get creative. I was really frustrated with my husband the other day, approaching livid. Instead of going into that emotion (yelling at him, slamming things), I put on Bambi by Jidenna and started to bake cookies. Baking cookies is such an emotional, sensory experience. It is distracting enough because you need to measure out ingredients (do math), which in turn puts your brain into a more rational space. The smell of the cookie dough may remind you of baking with a parent or another safe adult; it may inspire a happy memory from your youth. You taste the cookie dough (it’s a must regardless of salmonella) and receive the immediate gratification of sweetness in your mouth. You awaken your other senses as you smell the delicious scent of chocolate baking in your oven. It’s really difficult to remain angry when you bake cookies. Give it a try.

Survival Tip #3: Embrace the Portland winter. Don’t avoid it. Don’t delude yourself into thinking that it’s going to be a shorter winter or a sunnier month than last year. It’s pretty much always the same. Despite global warming, we Portlanders endure about three solid months of gray skies, rainy weather, and freezing temperatures. These three months are sandwiched in between two months of sporadic sunshine and rainy/cold days. Every year, someone says to me, “I think it’s sunnier and warmer this month than last year.” And I want to say, no it’s not. You just have Portland weather amnesia. Similar to the pregnancy amnesia that most new mothers will talk about experiencing, Portland weather amnesia allows us to forget about the horrors of the frigid and rainy weather that we experience each year (just like new mothers may forget the painful and upsetting pregnancy symptoms). When we wake up to 70 degrees and sunshine in late October, we forget about the fact that we always get those random sunny days mixed in with the horrifically cold, Portland weather. We have these moments of hope that are ultimately crushed by the Pacific Northwest. It laughs at us as we imagine a sunny and warm spring in March. Hehe...it snickers. You’ll believe the same next year. Don’t be fooled! Just accept it. Radical acceptance...another tool borrowed/stolen from Marsha. Accept what is...don’t try to change what you cannot change.

Survival Tip #4: When all else fails, trick yourself with real things.

Along with acceptance, it helps to create fun activities and things that you can only do when the weather cools. My work colleague, another native Californian, recently told me about her strategy to fight the winter blues. She said that she had to give herself something to be excited about in the colder months. She decided to create a “boot week” on Instagram in which she showcased a different boot each day of the week as her acknowledgment that summer had finally ended. Warm weather goes away, boots come out. In another example, my best friend and her husband bust out the crock pot in late October. They get excited to make hearty stews and delicious soups. All food items that are too hot and heavy to enjoy in the summer. My friend says that autumn is her favorite cooking time. We plan friend dates to hunker down and watch cool shows on Netflix while eating hearty stews with root vegetables and marinated pork.

For me, winter equals more snuggling with my husband and my fur child. In the summer months, I cannot spend too much time close to my partner. As we lie in bed at night, I push him away as he tries to spoon. He’s like an oven, one of those people who emits heat. And in our bedroom with one fan (we have not given in to the air conditioning fad yet), I refuse to snuggle. But in the winter, I am right back in his arms. It’s like I’m another appendage on his body.

What do you love to do in the autumn and winter? What makes you happy? For some people, it is events such as pumpkin picking and the corn maze at Sauvie Island. For others, we may look forward to holidays with friends and family such as Thanksgiving. Whatever it may be, latch onto it. Hold it in your hands gently as if it is an unusual flower you have just picked on your walk and you want to bring it home for your sweetie to see. Exalt it. Make it so special that your brain begins to believe that winter is better than summer, that the cold weather is better than those warm, sunny days.

Oh yeah...I almost forgot. There’s all the other usual things…Portland hikes in fall, autumn leaves, winter sports like snowboarding and skiing, snowpocalypse, Vitamin D, self-care, acupuncture, light therapy, mental health therapy, antidepressants (if prescribed by your doc), yoga, and support from friends and family. Those things are important and can be useful too, I suppose. So, try them all and report back. And see ya on the other side Portlanders. #almostsummer #notreally #yeswecan

Written by Kristen McCormick, LPC